


My Journal

by logans_girl2001



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logans_girl2001/pseuds/logans_girl2001
Summary: On Evan Lorne's tenth birthday his mother gave him a leather bound book with blank pages and a fountain pen clipped to the front cover.
Relationships: Evan Lorne/John Sheppard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	My Journal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sexycazzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sexycazzy/gifts).



> I am so sorry this took me so long.

On my tenth birthday my mother gave me a leather bound book with blank pages and a fancy fountain pen clipped to the front cover. And the time she decided to give it to me had to be the worst possible in the history of worst moments.

When I got up that morning I discovered that my family had forgotten it was my birthday. There were no presents, no balloons, and no special breakfast. In fact, my dad and sisters had already left for the day and Mom hurried me out to the car.

The drive to school that morning was silent because I was preoccupied with choking back my tears. I was ten and much too old to cry over having my birthday forgotten.

The car pool lane was empty when we pulled up. When I started to get out of the car Mom laid a hand on my arm and said, "I have something for you." My heart skipped a beat because, of course, my mother would _never_ forget the day I was born.

But all my hopes were dashed with her next words: "I saw this in one of the stores I went to last week and thought of you. The leather is much more supple than your traditional sketch books so I figured you could just bend it and slip it in a pocket or book bag."

I _hated_ that fucking journal for _months_. She didn't say anything about my birthday so I knew that in her eyes it was a 'just because' gift and that hurt. My mom and I were close, as close as a ten year old boy can be with his mother, and for her to forget the day she gave birth to me? Unthinkable. And completely unforgivable.

I gave her a tight little smile because she raised me to be polite. She took my smile as me liking the gift and with a bright smile she ruffled my hair. 

The rest of the day at school was just horrible. None of my friends remembered, I forgot to study for my math test, and I didn't have enough money to buy lunch. Okay, that last one isn't really _that_ big a deal, or at least it wouldn't have been, had it not been pizza day!

And the final nail in the coffin? My mother forgot to pick me up from school, forcing me to walk home. And it started raining when I still had three blocks to go. 

When I got home, there was a note on the kitchen counter saying that we were going out to dinner, something we often did on Fridays, and asking me to not eat anything and to please dress nice as either her or my dad would be there to get me in about an hour. I seriously thought about making myself something filling like a huge sandwich and locking myself in my bedroom, but decided to not risk getting grounded so close to summer vacation. Instead I pulled out one of my sketch pads and my favorite pencils, then sat down at my desk with my headphones on to draw what my birthday should have been like.

Sometime later the headphones were ripped off my head. I turned to look and found my mother glaring down at me. 

"I've been honking for ten minutes, Evan Michael!" Refusing to feel guilty, I just shrugged and turned back to my drawing. "And you're not even dressed!" She grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet. "Luckily you wore a newer pair of jeans to school today so just change your shirt and we'll go."

"Why the rush? It's not like Red Lobster takes reservations."

"Because your father and sisters are waiting for us! Now just do as you're told and change your shirt." She flopped down on my bed with a huff.

It became obvious that she wasn't going to leave so I pulled my tee shirt off over my head and grabbed a blue plaid button down from the closet. "Happy, now?" I couldn't help the snarky comment.

"Don't sass me, Evan. Not today."

Her tone had me frowning. "Why? What's happened?"

She just shook her head and escorted me from the house and into the car. The drive to the restaurant was made in the same total silence as the drive to school that morning. When we arrived, I wasn't even sure I wanted to get out of the car. But Mom gave me The Look, so with a huge sigh, I pushed open the door and climbed from the car.

Once inside, she led me to a back corner where I could see my dad and sisters sitting at a table. When we turned the corner, my friends all jumped out and shouted, "Surprise!"

I jumped back, then began laughing so I wouldn't cry. I was so fucking angry I wanted to punch something but I couldn't let anyone know. Because of this, I now hated not only surprises, but also my birthday. But as the only boy, I had learned early how to fake being okay with a situation and that came in handy for me that day. The only present I remember receiving that year is the journal from my mom. I think she knew that it ended up meaning something to me because after that she gave me a new one each year. And she always pulled me aside and gave it to me privately.

Only time that didn't happen was when I was deployed. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still received a journal from her, just not handed to me personally. She would mail it about a month before my birthday in order to make sure it arrived on time and it always had a note telling me to not open it until my actual birthday. Some of my team mates saw her note that first year and made sure I waited until the actual day. It was hell because after that first journal and the botched surprise party, she always wrote a little note on the inside cover; something personal from her to me.

My buddies teased me mercilessly after that first year. I made an off hand comment about it during one of our phone calls and she began writing the notes in our own special code. I'm sure if given half a chance the code would have been broken by any one of them but it didn't matter; the fact that she had heard me when I complained about the teasing and took steps to keep it from happening again, did however. It brought us closer together and moved me closer to forgiving her for what she did for my tenth birthday.

It took me nearly a year to begin using that first journal, I resented it that much. The day I first used it I was in a very not good mood and couldn't find any paper to try and get rid of it. But I had that fucking journal. I always had it with me. Despite wanting to toss it in the garbage, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.

So I pulled it out of my backpack and began sketching. And sketching. Before I knew it, I had filled about a third of the pages with angry sketches and I felt a whole hell of a lot better. In just over a month, I had filled it completely and had to buy myself a new one. After that, I would fill a journal in about six to eight weeks. Most pages had sketches but on some I wrote what I was thinking or feeling or something that had happened that day. There were even some pages that had both writing and sketches. Who knew that keeping a journal could be so therapeutic? Certainly not me.

My journals were where I first expressed my crushes: Tammy Abrams in eighth grade, Patrick Williams in ninth, the Thomas twins (Beth and Travis) in twelfth. My journals were also where I first expressed a desire to join the Air Force.

I knew that in order to join the military I'd have to deny part of myself. It wasn't an easy decision by any means, but it was one I have never regretted.

After I joined, the Air Force sent me to college where I got my degree in exploration geology. When I picked that degree, I knew it meant I'd be spending a lot of time deployed. I just didn't realize just how difficult it would be for my mom.

The first time I was sent over seas, she barely spoke to me right up until it was time for me to leave. When the announcement was made, she grabbed onto me and refused to let go. My dad had to pry her hands from my coat. The last time I saw her that day, she was slumped in my dad's arms, sobbing. When he noticed me staring, he gave a sad little smile, a nod, and waved me away. With a sad smile and nod of my own, I turned and boarded the plane with my unit.

And her greeting when I returned home over a year later, was something else. When she saw me, she screamed my name and started running. I caught her to me and we both laughed and cried as we hugged. It had been the longest time I'd spent away from home since I was in college. I got teased for how we greeted each other; luckily they just called me a mama's boy, a title I gladly accepted. 

I love my mother and I am not ashamed to say she's one of my best friends. I've told her things that only my journals know. Things like how I'm attracted to both men and women. That was a difficult conversation for us both. But she just brushed the hair off my forehead and told me she would always love me and if being with a man makes me happy, then she's happy, too and she's sure she'd love him. So long as he treats me right, of course!

My parents have never understood my desire to join the military. While they are patriotic, they are pacifists and don't agree with a lot of the politics that send me and my unit into combat zones. I happen to agree with them quite a bit but realized rather early in life that if I wanted to go to college, I'd need to find a way to pay for it myself. My father is a simple man, he's a high school math teacher, and with four kids it's nearly impossible for him to pay for them all to go to college.

My oldest sister, Mindy, married right after graduation and kind of fell into her career of data entry specialist. My next oldest sister, Tracy, went to a trade school and is a hair dresser. My youngest sister, Stephanie, got a full ride athletic scholarship and is currently studying for her CPA. My parents told me they could help me pay for college but I refused since they helped Tracy go to cosmetology school. And while that wasn't even close to being as expensive as a four year college, it was still expensive. 

Besides, I'd always wanted to learn how to fly. My parents couldn't afford more than a few lessons and all it did was reinforce my love of flying. So as far as I was concerned, joining the Air Force served two purposes: it allowed me to go to college and I got to learn how to fly. And my instructors were all surprised to learn that I had less than a hundred flying hours under my belt. I learned quickly and progressed rapidly. By the end of basic, I was not only first in my class but the person in second's scores weren't any where near mine.

And then came the day when I was called into my CO's office. I was positive I was about to be chewed out for something one of my men had done. I had been given command of a small team just a few months before and some of them were pranksters of the worst kind.

But that wasn't what he wanted to discuss with me.

"Take a seat, Lorne." He indicated the chairs in front of his desk when I stepped into his office.

I shut the door behind me and did as instructed. "You wished to see me, Sir?"

"Yes." He cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. "You've been a Captain for a while now, haven't you?"

His question confused me. "Yes, Sir. I'm nearing the end of the earliest one can be promoted to Major."

He nodded. "I see." 

The silence began to get to me and I almost demanded he get on with the point of the meeting.

Clearing his throat again, he sat forward in his chair, his hands stacked on his desk. "You have done something to catch the eye of some of the brass at the Pentagon. You are being promoted to Major and transferred to Colorado Springs." He sat back and scratched at the side of his face. "Cheyenne Mountain to be exact."

I frowned. "NORAD?" He nodded. "But I don't know anything about space. I'm a geologist."

He shrugged. "I know. I can't explain it and all my questions were rebuffed with a curt 'that's classified'. I have been assured that once you get there, you'll be told everything."

"Will there be a ceremony?"

"Your girlfriend want to pin you?"

I ducked my head a flush heating my cheeks. "My mother, Sir. She's pinned me for each promotion."

He grunted. "Sorry but there's no time. You're to report first thing tomorrow. Your new CO will do the pinning."

"I see." I nodded. "If there's nothing else, Sir?"

"No, that's all." He dismissed me with a nod.

"Thank you, Sir."

The phone call to my mother was nearly as difficult as when I told her I was bisexual. She cried ("Happy tears, Ev, I swear!"). I promised that just as soon as I could get leave, we could do a mock ceremony. I knew she was disappointed but she understood and was truly happy for me. When it became evident that I was going to be career military, she did as much research as she could and so she knew that it was a good thing to get promoted because it meant I was doing a good job and for me to be tapped for a classified project was even better. Although she absolutely hated that I couldn't tell her about my job. It did put some strain on our relationship when I was given my first posting. I eventually found a way to tell her about my day without discussing the more classified aspects of it. She slowly came to accept that I now had to keep secrets from her.

My relief at discovering that I was not going to have to learn the complicated math involved in deep space telemetry upon my arrival at Cheyenne was palpable. General Hammond even chuckled and apologized and explained that it was my expertise in exploration geology that had him picking me for the Stargate Program.

The next couple of years were spent traveling through the gate to other worlds and bringing back soil samples that were then compared to Earth soil.

And then came the day when I was called into General Hammond's office. Once again I was afraid that I was going to get chewed for something one of my men did. I had recently been made XO of a gate team and as such any disciplination goes through me first.

"Major," Hammond greeted me. "Please have a seat."

I failed to notice the other person in the room before I had shut the door. I swallowed a lump and sat in the only empty chair. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Hammond smiled but it did not even come close to putting me at ease. While Hammond was a very easy going CO, kinda had to be when your command involved sending your men to alien planets, he was still a General and could end my career with a single word.

"Do you know Colonel Edwards?" He tilted his head in the direction of the other occupant of the room.

"Can't say that I do, Sir." With a curt nod of recognition in the Colonel's direction.

"Major, I find myself in need of an XO," Colonel Edwards said. "I've been told you're an expert in exploration geology and that's what I need."

"I was just made XO of SG-30, Sir."

"I'm aware, Major," Hammond said. "Edwards needs someone who can be planet side with him. You're the only exploration geologist who hasn't been stationed off world."

"Not to mention I've been told you're the best we have."

Heat flared to life in my cheeks. "Thank you, Sir."

"Excellent." Edwards nodded and stood from his chair. "See you at 0600 tomorrow." And with that he left the office.

I sat there gaping like a fish out of water. "What just happened, Sir?"

Hammond laughed. "You were just made XO of Edwards' team. I suggest you get to tying up any loose ends, son. 0600 will be here before you know it."

Slowly I got to my feet. "Yes, Sir."

I left his office in a daze. My first thought was to call my mother. Being stationed off world meant that I wouldn't be able to contact her as often so I was going to have to figure out a believable lie as why I couldn't call every week.

I can't remember what, exactly, I told her but it was good enough to stop her from pestering me with questions and to quietly accept that she would have to content herself with speaking to me whenever I could get back planet side.

I was Edwards' XO for a few years and learned a lot. Such as Daniel Jackson will have an aneurysm if you disturb native artifacts before he can examine them. It was a lesson I took to heart and applied quite often. I even made sure to inform newbies to respect the scientists and to not touch anything unless one of them says they can.

And, once again, came the day when I was called into General O'Neill's office. Turns out that the Ancients, the people responsible for the Stargate, left a military outpost in Antarctica. And a doctor from Scotland discovered that only people with a special gene could use the equipment they left behind. He developed a way of testing for this gene and, of course, I was in the group of people with it.

While I would have loved to explore a whole other galaxy, I wasn't looking forward to trying to explain that particular absence to my mother. Luckily I didn't need to worry about it because a Major Sheppard also had the gene and his was stronger than mine. So he got to go while I returned to Edwards' team. But it was fun learning how to fly the space jets that were built to fight our alien enemies.

A year passed and we were surprised to receive a message from the expedition. There were letters from the surviving members as well as a missive that they were under siege by an alien race called The Wraith. The decision was made to take the ZPM from Antarctica and use it to power the gate so we could send a contingent to help fight.

As a natural gene carrier, I was put on that team. I had just enough time to tell my mother that I would be leaving for even longer before I had to step through the gate. She sent me off with a stack of journals and a zip lock baggie of her homemade peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.

The fighting was intense and once we had driven The Wraith off, I was called to speak with Dr. Weir and Major Sheppard.

When I stepped into the conference room and laid eyes on Sheppard, it was like my whole world stopped. The man was just too pretty for words. For the first time since I was seventeen, I wanted to push another man to his knees so I could fuck his pretty mouth.

Somehow I managed to not embarrass myself and answered every question the two of them had for me. In the end I was informed that Sheppard was making me his XO. To say I was surprised was a complete understatement. Sheppard and I were about the same age, he was a few years older, and he had more time in grade than I did. I had never been on a team that had more than one of each rank. It was why I wasn't a part of the first expedition, after all.

When I expressed my concerns, both Weir and Sheppard assured me that they didn't see any issue with it. Sheppard had been acting CMO for a year so the men knew his command style. And since Everett was being sent home with injuries suffered from a Wraith feeding on him, Sheppard was positive O'Neill would allow him to remain in charge with Weir.

But every surviving member of the original expedition was being commanded to report to Earth so I would be in charge while they were gone. I've never been in charge for than a few days, week at the most, before. This time it would be at least two months because it takes two weeks to travel by ship.

When Sheppard and Weir returned nearly four months later, it was announced that Sheppard had been promoted to Lieutenant Colonel, making my position as his XO much easier to manage.

We eventually settled into an easy routine. He left a lot of the day to day stuff to me because he hated paperwork. The man honestly never thought he'd make it past Captain and so never took anything seriously. But it was very obvious that he loved being the CMO of Atlantis. And all of the men, Marines and Air Force, loved and respected him; especially those that had been in the city when he defended it against the Genii.

My mother is still sending me a journal every year for my birthday, I'm still filling them within a month or two of receiving them. Only now they're filled with sketches of John Sheppard. The first couple of years worth are all from memory.

Then one day I'm surprised to be called to his quarters. I knew I wasn't in trouble, if it was an official meeting it would have been in his office or mine where Atlantis would have recorded it.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" I asked when he answered my knock.

"Yes. Come in." He stepped back and ushered me in with a sweep of his arm.

As soon as the door closed behind me, he pushed me back against the door with his body. "Tell me I'm not wrong, Lorne. Tell me you want me as much as I want you."

I raised my hands and buried them in his hair. "More, Sir," I murmured, pulling his face down so I could suck on his lower lip.

He moaned and deepened the kiss. I have no idea how we managed to get naked and onto the bed without incident but we did. And then, finally, I was able to see what he looked like under all those clothes. And he was even more beautiful than I could have imagined.

And now I have even more years worth of journals full of drawing after drawing of John Sheppard naked.


End file.
